Speaking of short blasts...

Hello and welcome to another exciting addition of Ramblers Monthly (not, as the name might suggest a rather demure yet informative post about the delights of walking in the countryside - sadly!) It has been one ENTIRE month since I last wrote this thing. That is absolutely crazy. I CANNOT believe it has been that long. What HAVE I been doing with my life? NB: expect A LOT of capitalisation in this post, I am EXTREMELY excited about writing again! This is my life over the past month in a series of short blasts. Blasts here means both bits and loud yellings. (Oh look I am Lemony Snicket!) So...writing papers about white masculinity and black men's willies (surprisingly not as many degrees of separation apart as you might think!), practising being evil genius for my panto, getting drunk with fresher lesbians, dripping miracle cures into myself, taxi-ing children to school, applying for my PGCE!!!!!!, forgeting to get my tax, playing in the snow, dropping my phone in my tea (more than once), watching friends and the US Office for hours at a time, taking photos, making cds, falling a little in love with my tutor (Sarah not Malcolm, though he is quite fantastic), watching the music (live not on the teeev), surviving on a staple diet of toast and the occasional croissant, singing singing singing, learning about lesbians in the wizard of oz, peeling the smoothest potatoes this side of the mississippi, spending more money than i am earning, playing mario kart, missing thanksgiving, wishing i was one of those cool gays who can play the guitar and has problems to sing about, eating from the tree of life...that kinda thing.

Today, however, I have some specific topics in mind. Although, let's face it digression is not beyond me. The scene is set. I am at my desk, mess behind me so I cannot see it, music playing (ani in case you were wondering - "i am beyond your peripheral vision so you may want to turn your head"), thumb in when i stop typing (ooh the soft bits!), sucking on ice and a little more than freezing cold. I paint quite a picture don't I?? I find it is very important to get in the right mood for this kind of soul baring. Drunk is preferable but if not then happy and enthusiastic is also a-ok avec moi. I am a giant dork and actually sit down at my computer pretending that I am a tortured writer with candles and darkness as I imagine great writers do. The next step would be going to write in Starbucks, but I fear my computer would not survive the journey. Also, there is a man in there who asked me if I play the bass in some band. While I said no, I feel he did not believe me and there is a teeny chance he would expect me to perform. This would not be good. And an end to the street cred (which I am here by negating by using that word!) I have built up in the 'wich! I would rather he think that maybe I am off playing awesome music in a basement somewhere. Alternatively I will just learn to play the bass. Something else to add to my life goals list.

Anyway...I digress (told you it would happen!). I have, at my tortured writers desk, a piece of paper ("have you seen my list? it's just a piece of paper with ross' name at the top") crammed full of thoughts that have come to me, that I don't want to forget and that I think I might write about one day. I also have a section on my phone for when things inspire me in the day and i have no paper (all hail the 21st century!). This currently says "sleep driving and having principles about music". I wrote it while i was driving and it is these subjects I intend to discuss today. Wow I get a C- for succinctness (and an A* for inventing new words) - it has taken me all this time to get to the ACTUAL point.

Ok so...DISCLAIMER. The events which I am about to talk about NEVER happened while i was in the care of children. So before you pick up the phone and suggest I am struck off the awesome nannies list, woah there Nelly. All will become clear. Also, I have just realised that I wrote "while i was in the care of children"! Ha. I would delete it and write "while children were in my care" but it seems were accurate this way! ... So this is probably for all those drivers out there. I apologise if I am alienating you, but really, learn to drive! It is ace! (I have also just put on my fingerless gloves to continue typing - thanks madi - it is sooo cold!) Have you ever been driving in your car and then suddenly realised that you have no recollection of the last x miles of road?? I feel like this is very easy to do when you have been driving for a long time AND drive the same roads every day - a'la moi. However, this can't be good. I did it the other day, probably thinking about this blog, and literally anything could have happened. Cut off another driver, old lady under-wheel, superman overhead. You just zone out. It is a little scary when you think about it. I should emphasise here that I am, in fact, a fabulous driver, and I can say with nearly 100% certainty that no one has died at the mercy of my car. Also, let's be honest, if my car hit you, it is so small you would probably dent it more than I dent you. I am also a country driver. Dictionary definition: we go fast round tiny roads and can squeeze past tractors if necessary. The average driver may be very scared when driving with us but we totally have it under control. You have not driven in extreme conditions unless you have come across a flood or a sheep or two in the road. I have never been in an accident (apart from when a guy hit me in the back - NOT my fault!). Children are perfectly safe with me (to re-emphasise that whole not going to the cops thing!). Besides it is EXTREMELY hard to switch off when they are in the back seat babbling on about little boy things: what gadgets you would have if you were a transformer, what super powers you would have if you were a hero like spider-pig (no lie!) and how your nanny is the coolest person in the world (a lie!). SOME people really are shitty drivers. I have now become one of those people who screams at idiot drivers from the comfortable bubble of my car. I am pretty mellow (ok so i am practically lying down!) in the rest of my life. But I turn into my alter-ego Lucifer the anti-christ when I am confronted with these people. Why must you drive so rubbishly? And don't get me started on old people...

A little note: are you allowed more than one alter-ego? Cos i think maybe Lucifer is not the best one I could have. Maybe Luce/Loose (however you want to read it!) a smouldering temptress (see Moulin Rouge!) with the confidence of Madonna and the face of Catherine Zeta Jones would be better. I kinda like the sound of that. Not sure you can change your actual face through an alter-ego though?? Do these multiply personalities constitute scizophrenia now? Have I actually lost it? Another question for another time...ha!This is a long ass (gross mental image) note. I shall move speedily to the next topic. Like a cheetah on speed, a horse at the races, gay girls to wife-beaters, a skaterboarder to the floor, a katy perry song to the bin. Which, mwah ha ha haaaa, leads me to muuuuuusic, which in the words of Madonna (again - wow!) "makes the people, come together"! I came round to this topic whilst in my car. Oh yes people this is not just a random ramble. I have commen themes. Ish. Anyway...I was listening to the radio in my car and the pussycat dolls came on and well...i loved it! For shame. This got me to thinking though about music taste and when you should, if ever, draw the line at liking a band simply because they are uncool/manufactured/really really hot! I think maybe you know what I mean? For example, recently a blonde friend of mine who shall remain nameless, revealed that she kinda liked the new Katy Perry song Hot n' Cold. Now she was very ashamed to admit this, cos let's face it Katy Perry may ACTUALLY be the anti-christ. No I lie, she is just a girl making money by pretending to be a lesbian (which is hot for the men) while dennouncing it at the same time. If I get into why I hate her now, we will be here all night. The song is catchy. So was the other one. So is the PCD one. What I want to know, is do we simply not listen even though it makes us happy and want to dance??? I'm not sure. Anything that makes you happy is good surely, no? (within the limits of law of course) Katy Perry aside, I think music should be about that. I think it is kind of ridiculous that we would not listen to something simply because it falls beyond the realms of "real" music. Do we, as supposedly open-minded adults who do not want to be stereotyped and pidgeon-holed, really want to do the same thing? I understand that if we did not have a spectrum of good and bad music then we would have popular and unpopular and people would not be able to place themselves on such a scale. I am being a little facecious here i know. I am not saying that you have to go and listen to mainstream pop or anything. Merely that you should approach it with an open-mind and also not mock and ridicule others if they happen to like it. I myself listen to the most ecclectic mix of music in the world and as a result basically have a song for every occassion. I would highy recommend it! I should also note, that I DO think it is good to have music taste. That you have bands and genres that you particularly like. I do too. When I find such music it often makes me go all tingly with how amazing it is, it speaks to me as an individual. Now I can't say that the PussyCat Dolls have ever done that to me, but each to their own. Listen, enjoy, be merry!

Ok, finitio. Excellent! This has been a ramble of epic proportions. Apparently I need to write more often. I shall make it my aim for the next month to be a blogging...freak??? Between that and you know, GRADUATING!!!!!! I expect to be very busy in the month of December. Hurrah!Au revior fellow happyists. May your lives be full of curiosity.